Reflecting for Hope
Have you ever wondered who you are or how you came to be the way that you are today? Have you ever wanted to make a stand and stand up for what is right and what is wrong? Have you ever wanted to find yourself because you couldn’t figure out what or who you are supposed to be?
Everyone keeps telling me that I’m not happy because I’m not doing what I’m told to do when the truth is that I’m not happy because I don’t know exactly who I am supposed to be. I want to be someone who inspires and helps those who have been through what I have been through. I want to help. What is so horrible about working for a non-profit organization?
I regret switching from Newspaper Productions to Literary Magazine. I should have just spent my entire senior year in Newspaper class. You see, the truth is that I loved Newspaper. Another truth is that I am always quitting something I love.
No matter how many classes outside of high school I take, I will never be happy with them. Or, I doubt that anyway.
See how Jackson, the family dog, just watches the Praying Mantis? He does not harm it or disturb it. It’s so peaceful.
I decided to go to Italy sometime next year. I need to get away. Not ‘run’ away, but take a break. It’s good to get away every once in a while.
Mango Penguin’s content and such may be accessed at mp.partyofme.com for now. I actually miss the friends I made while having Mango Penguin. I will be starting a new website soon, maybe sometime early 2010 like January or February.
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this, right? Last night I was thinking, and that thinking somehow made me cry. I want to do this, meaning web design, but not this meaning this kind. Why not put what I can do to good use?
This sub domain will no longer provide resources, but I will keep them up while I revamp. It will only be a blog by either the beginning or middle of December. No one can talk me out of this because I have made up my mind.
Laurren Smith, a girl who resides in the same city as I and has a rare cancer, has taught me that no matter what you have gone through doesn’t change anything about your heart; it merely opens it up to new things. She proved to me that those who are younger than us really can teach us. They teach us things that we will never learn in school.
But younger people are never heard. Why do we ignore their ideas, no matter how great some seem? Sometimes the ideas are horrible but the meaning is wonderful.
Those who have been abused either end up in jail, dead or stronger. I feel the most for those who have been abused in every way—verbally, sexually, physically—because I can relate. I want strangers to know that I am here for them and that I will listen no matter how much trouble they have gotten themselves into.
Mrs. Davis, I’m sorry for not staying in Newspaper and applying myself to the class the most that I could. Deep inside I had many great ideas for stories but never suggested them.
Raylin, I’m sorry for not telling anyone what you had been through. I have this theory that if I would have told instead of promising not to tell that you would still be here today. You wouldn’t have committed suicide or cut or done any other harmful things to yourself.
Mimi, though you will never read this because you don’t trust the internet, I’m sorry for not becoming what you wanted me to be. I’m not meant to be a doctor, a nurse, a psychologist, a teacher—I’m more of an artist. I love art. I love how I can paint one picture and then completely transform it into another. I’m sorry that I moved back into my mum’s house instead of staying in Euless with my dad, but I never would have been able to do what I wanted to do if I would have stayed. So what if I don’t fit in with my mum and stepfather? If you knew half of the things I have done in the past, you would be angry with me. Let’s just say that middle school (6th-8th grade) did not consist of my ‘good years’. I never got detention but that doesn’t mean that innocent people never got detention because of me. I’m sorry that I don’t want to go to college like everyone else wants me to, and I’m sorry that making a million dollars a year is not my “dream job”. The priorities I have for me are completely different from the ones that you have for me. Let me make my own. I’ll be okay. I’d love to take an art class. It isn’t impossible for a hobby to become one’s career.
I have more, but those are the top ones that are not as personal as the sorries for my dad and my great grandfather and my brother James.
I don’t want sappy comments on how you feel sorry for me—those result in automatic deletions. Just because something has happened to me doesn’t mean that you have to be sorry. If you’re not sure how to respond to this entry, don’t event comment with something concerning it. It’s not that hard, you know? I just needed to vent. Besides that, nothing that has happened to me is considered a “mistake” but as an obstacle God has put in front of me so that I can overcome it and become stronger.
Thanks goes to Paul Morrison, who helped me see things yesterday that I never would have seen. I have my faith back, and I’m not even at Fellowship Church in Grapevine. He is very sweet. It’s funny how I met him by taking a picture with him just because he looked like “Edward Cullen”, you know?
Sorry the picture quality is a little bad; the lighting was off that night. Our faces are kind of pixel-y but I couldn’t fix that. He doesn’t really look like that anymore, and whether he is single or not is not going to be shared. :p He looks more like the character in person.
If you would like to see my other sites I have put a list below:
P.S. MP is coming soon, I just haven’t made it {yet}.
I want a fresh start. If I make a new site, you most likely will not know what it is unless we are somewhat close.
Take this as my final goodbye.
I’m not quitting because of that. I was going to quit even before I saw that. I decided to yesterday after talking to Paul. He showed me something I had never seen or felt before, and I liked it. He gave me hope.
This entry was posted on 12 Nov 2009 and is filed under POM, newspaper, my mum, Life, James, Reflecting, Thursday, apology, Personal. The permanent link to this post is located here.
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